So, the question I am sure I will be asked over and over again is why have I decided to adopt this lifestyle? What has driven me to wanting to give myself over to one person, fully?
My first answer of course is that my Master is the love of my life. I married him before this lifestyle; I chose to be with him the rest of my life before we even discussed trying this lifestyle. Even if he had chosen not to do this, I would be with him the rest of my life.
I know though, just as you probably suspect, I have a deeper reason, maybe a few which drives me to want to be not just submissive, but completely submissive and take the role of slave seriously. I have been thinking long, knowing not only do I need to answer this question for others, including Master, but I too need to know.
I know that I have been forced to be responsible, in charge, making decisions, and giving up some of my childhood, thus being unable to live free, and being who I really want to be. With my husband’s career, I have been put in the position of being Mom, Dad, lawyer, teacher, etc. I have had to go 6 months at various times, being these people by myself. It drains on you, and you just wish someone would come along and take all these burdens from you and allow you to just be who you always wanted to be.
I have always felt a little fake. I absolutely hate fake people, and so I loathe myself. I know there is a difference between being polite and being fake, but to ensure a spouse’s career, you have to be careful. You can’t support things you might normally, because it could hurt his job. Also, you have to fake being strong and be there for your children, by yourself. I have always pretended to be a strong person, and it has completely ruined me. I have an illness that I believe has been made worse earlier than it should be, because of this.
I have a certain faith, I don’t necessarily subscribe to a specific doctrine. In my life I have practiced many different faiths and I have chosen a little from each one that makes sense. NOT that support what I want to do, but getting rid of all the dogma involved. In getting spiritual support and needing support for my family, I go to a specific church, but feel I cannot be me, because what I believe isn’t totally in line with the church we attend. I have yet to find a church that believes what I believe, so we go to a church that is as close as we have found.
My faith leads me to wonder how to be completely submissive to a God I cannot see/feel/hear. How do you turn everything, your whole world over and trust completely that if you do everything that is required that you will be loved and safe. Perhaps if I can be completely be submissive to my husband/master, I can use what I have learned in my walk of faith.
At this time I can hear people scratching their heads. How can you go from BDSM to believing in God? I am not sleeping around with people. This is something I am doing with my husband. I want to learn to respect him more, appreciate him more, and be able to show it to him. As I stated, my faith is unique and I believe that as long as my husband and I are together in this, we are doing nothing more than strengthening our bond as husband and wife.
As a child, living with a single mom, there were high expectations for me. I was expected to get nearly perfect grades, be in all sorts of clubs/sports/etc. These expectations were not applied to my sibling. In my teenage years, my mother got very ill. I was expected to take care of her, alone. When she got worse, I was blamed by my family, not her illness or their lack of their help, but that I must have done things to make her condition worse.
My mother was in the hospital or living with her parents a lot as well. During those times I had no discipline at all. No one cared when I came home, if I came home, what my grades were etc. I went from a strict lock down to nothing! I tried very hard to get their attention by being bad, okay a goody two shoes version of being bad. No one even noticed. So, I got worse, and nothing. However, every time my mother got worse, it was always my fault.
The lack of consistency and boundaries confused me and it has left me with the inability to make personal decisions. I can stare at a birthday card and not know if I should keep it or throw it away, because it may make someone upset that I threw it away. I have a hard time with boundaries that involve emotional decisions. I cannot make decisions on who I should or should not trust; I usually chose incorrectly. I don’t know how to speak up for myself. When I do, people say I have changed or that they fear that I may hurt them. If I don’t speak up then I become a door mat for everyone!
My illness causes the inability to remember or be able to decide how/when to complete projects, chores, items, etc. I can know something needs to be done, but I do not know how to start it, or if I have completed it, how to clean up/wrap it up properly. If things aren’t scheduled and followed up on, they get half done, lost, or not touched at all. This is a part of my life that bothers me so much. I believe that my word is all I have. If I make a promise, then I do everything I can to keep it. With my illness, that makes it nearly impossible.
I feel this lifestyle will help me make boundaries, following lists/schedules, know what is expected of me, and I won’t have to make any decisions on my own. I will have discipline, learn to be myself, be comfortable with who I really am. With help I will know who to trust and who not. I will learn how to overcome future guilt of hurting someone. I will learn to understand my wants/needs and how to express them properly. I will learn to love myself for who I am, instead of trying to be what everyone else expects me to be. My husband/Master knows me. He knows who I am deep inside, and it is my hope/want/need for him to bring that back out. That person has been lost along the way of my life. I hardly remember her.
I know that Master wants her back. I know that is who he fell in love with and that is who is really inside, she just needs encouragement to come back and to learn how to be in life again. This isn’t a journey about sex (however, it helps!). This is a journey about finding myself, my soul, my purpose, and my ability to love those who matter to me, as well as myself.
Why do I think this is the way to do it? When we played around with BDSM, I noticed the next day, I would feel different. The more often we played, the more I opened up, the more I realized that there was something to this. I noticed that my love of writing came back. I noticed that I felt freer and open to things. In the last month, my relationship with my youngest child has gotten better. He says he has more fun with me now. We definitely talk more and he feels more comfortable coming to me. My Master has seen changes in me as well.
Yes, there are questions Master and I will have to answer as we go along. Yes, there are some things that contradict between what I am accomplishing and the lifestyle. I understand that things aren’t going to be cut and dry. This journey with Master is the step we need to communicate with each other. We will finally feel comfortable talking about our wants/needs/morals etc. I feel this will bring us closer and together he and I will tackle the contradictions and how to tailor all of this to fit us. It’s going to be a long process, but I welcome it with open arms and hope/pray that this is the step needed to finally be myself and live a long happy life.
Thank you for your time and attention, Sir/Ma’am.
Sinfully Red
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