Sir/Ma'am,
I hope you had a wonderful weekend. We did. We celebrated Master's Birthday all weekend and had a great time.
However, Monday brought many great and unexpected pleasures! First I was woken up with a beating from my Master which I absolutely loved. Then when I wake there is a list of my day broken out and what items Master wishes me to complete. In fact the whole week is already completely scheduled!!! I am a happy slave, because now I know what is expected of me.
I was following Master's schedule fine, until I fought with a computer program for an hour and a half which majorly put me behind. I was lucky that Master had put some personal items on the list, which I quickly threw out the window, in order to get those items for Master done. I got them all done, and did the dishes, which weren't on the list!!
Master also came home later than expected and started to put a crunch on the time.. but that's why you prioritize :-).
I love the way Master is doing inspections now. There is a set time for inspection each day. By that time, I am to have everything done, be clean and ready, collared, chained to the bed, blind folded, toys requested out and in a present position. I was holding that position for a long time. Master comes home and takes his time. He grabs a clip board with a check list and looks around the house to make sure things have been completed, and how well they have been completed. I did well on that part, however, Master didn't give me an A on the dishes because he says the sink was still dirty... I got a B, on the other stuff I got an A!!!!
When Master walks in the room, I am not allowed to speak and he doesn't speak to me either. He changes his clothes and inspects me like he would his electronic equipment. He checked my weight and saw that I gained half a pound, I got a D+ :-(.
He came over to my body and started at the legs, inspecting me like a show dog, or a piece of meat. It actually turned me on that he was doing this and I wasn't allowed to see him or talk to him. I got an F for no butt plug because I couldn't find it. He touched me everywhere and I could feel myself getting wet. Master even pulled back my head and checked my teeth and breathe (which he could smell my medicine on my breathe so I got a C).
As I was getting into position, I had broke a fingernail... I got a B- for that. After he looked everything over, he went over the check list with me, and beat me accordingly. I really got it for that F. Excuses (if not family or life-threatening/medical) are not tolerated. Either get it done, and done correctly or be punished. When I told Master I couldn't find the butt plug, he said, did you ask? oops, no I didn't. dang. After the beating, then Master talked about the good things I had done and gave me some pleasure. I was so turned on.
My goal for Master's birthday was to finally have him fuck me in the ass to the point that he cums in it. Well, Sunday was his Birthday, but it didn't happen. Life happened, we were tired, and well fed, and didn't quite lend to ending the night that way.
I expressed to Master my failure, and how hurt and upset I was that I wasn't able to give him that gift. He asked me what I wanted to do about it, and I said I wanted him to do it now. He asked me if I was sure that's what I wanted and I said yes.
Master had me get in a doggy style position and tied me so I couldn't get out of the position. He blindfolded me and then put the anal hook in me. He then put the electrodes on my ass and pussy. He took some personal time while I was there in that position with the electrode number climbing from 7 to 60. My ass was so tingly, but the importance of it was to get me to relax back there.
Master removed the anal hook and electrodes and inserted the butt plug. It felt good to go in. Then Master rocked it as before and I was really feeling it. I was in zen mode. I didn't realize that he had been slowly pulling it out and pushing it back in until he had pulled it out all the way and pushed it back in... and it felt good! He continued to do that and then told me he thought I was ready for his cock. Oh I hope so.
He took the butt plug out and slowly put the tip of his cock inside my ass. I could feel the pressure and I was getting a little concerned. Master kept talking to me in a calm voice. He told me I was safe, that I was okay, and that what I was feeling, felt good. I found myself actually helping him get deeper into my ass. At one point I was ready to cry (he was completely in). He didn't move. He allowed me to relax. He talked to me and kept telling me how much I loved how this felt. He voice was passionate and soon I was feeling good. I liked him in my ass. I started to rock on his cock and then slowly fell into sub space. Master took that cue and started to slowly fuck my ass. I was loving it and I was loving that I was able to please Master. Master mentions during the fucking that he now owns me completely, the one thing that was holding us back was finally his for the taking, and take it he did. Soon he was at a good pace fucking my ass, and I remember asking him to cum in my ass. I was ready.
Master was happy to give me that gift. I was riding on his cock, wanting to hear and feel the pleasure I had given him, when I felt him twitch... oh here it cums! Right after he came, the flow of his cum and the twitching of his cock had hit just at the right time and place and I had a huge orgasm. Wow! Master was so pleased with me.... that i got to sleep in his bed last night! I think I got an A :-)
Well, I hope that I will see some of you at the Beat & Greet! Hope everyone is doing well, (You've all been pretty quiet).
Thank you for your time and attention, Sir/Ma'am.
Sinfully Red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Pain In The Ass???
Sir/Ma'am,
Sorry for the lack of blogs lately. One, Master and I have had some major breakthroughs so wanted to take it easy, two, we have both been a little under the weather.
I had briefly mentioned the breakthrough regarding my ass. Master and I have always wanted to explore him fucking my ass. I have IBS/Spastic Colon and other issues that complicate this. We have tried butt plugs and anal hooks with great success, but they were thin and weren't moving back and forth.
I have been trying and trying to relax and be able to take larger plugs and try to deal with the movement. Master has been in my ass 3 times before this in the 18 + years we have been together, so my track record is pretty much nil.
This time, however, we did things a little different. 1st Master put the tens unit on my ass, after 15 minutes on 60, it was tingly and I took the plug much easier than normal. Then Master was pushing on the plug, it kinda hurt, so I showed him how to rock the plug. That felt good. Instead of the in and out motion, it was slowly rocking.
Master got a good rhythm going and then started pulling it out and putting it back in with the same slow deliberate motion. It was feeling awesome! Master pulled the plug out and I got nervous and tensed up. I felt him try, and I felt my ass get tighter and unwilling.
Master kept trying to get me to relax, then he pushed himself into my ass. I was whining and whimpering... Master didn't move, he just waited for me and my ass to relax. Once I relaxed he started fucking me with a rocking motion. It was amazing, I loved it. I was so happy to finally give this to Master, and just in time for his birthday too!
Master was impressed and happy with my overcoming the stress and the medical issues that were preventing him from enjoying this one thing. Master continued to fuck me until he added a vibrator and I popped! Master was so pleased that I got to sleep in bed with him that night.
I have been trying non-stop for the last year to be able to provide Master with this gift. Finally we have found our first step into it. Eventually I think Master will be able to be a little more aggressive in movement in my ass. I love that he respects and cares for me enough to take it slow and not force himself on me. It shows great restraint on his part and definitely bonds us together stronger.
Master said that NO ONE is to have my ass but him... that includes touching, toys, and fucking. I am happy about that. It's kinda a safety zone and a way to keep that bond going. Master truly respects and understands my needs and I respect him in return.
That's really what this lifestyle is all about, trust and respect. If you have that, then any little obstacles or issues are nothing. You will get through them together. I totally trust and respect him and he totally respects and trusts me. Even though we had some hiccups, I think we definitely found the right person to have in our lives.
I love you Master! Thank you for your patience and understanding. Thank you for making something painful in the past be something wonderful that I will only ever share with you!
Thank you for your time and attention, Sir/Ma'am.
sinfully red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
Sorry for the lack of blogs lately. One, Master and I have had some major breakthroughs so wanted to take it easy, two, we have both been a little under the weather.
I had briefly mentioned the breakthrough regarding my ass. Master and I have always wanted to explore him fucking my ass. I have IBS/Spastic Colon and other issues that complicate this. We have tried butt plugs and anal hooks with great success, but they were thin and weren't moving back and forth.
I have been trying and trying to relax and be able to take larger plugs and try to deal with the movement. Master has been in my ass 3 times before this in the 18 + years we have been together, so my track record is pretty much nil.
This time, however, we did things a little different. 1st Master put the tens unit on my ass, after 15 minutes on 60, it was tingly and I took the plug much easier than normal. Then Master was pushing on the plug, it kinda hurt, so I showed him how to rock the plug. That felt good. Instead of the in and out motion, it was slowly rocking.
Master got a good rhythm going and then started pulling it out and putting it back in with the same slow deliberate motion. It was feeling awesome! Master pulled the plug out and I got nervous and tensed up. I felt him try, and I felt my ass get tighter and unwilling.
Master kept trying to get me to relax, then he pushed himself into my ass. I was whining and whimpering... Master didn't move, he just waited for me and my ass to relax. Once I relaxed he started fucking me with a rocking motion. It was amazing, I loved it. I was so happy to finally give this to Master, and just in time for his birthday too!
Master was impressed and happy with my overcoming the stress and the medical issues that were preventing him from enjoying this one thing. Master continued to fuck me until he added a vibrator and I popped! Master was so pleased that I got to sleep in bed with him that night.
I have been trying non-stop for the last year to be able to provide Master with this gift. Finally we have found our first step into it. Eventually I think Master will be able to be a little more aggressive in movement in my ass. I love that he respects and cares for me enough to take it slow and not force himself on me. It shows great restraint on his part and definitely bonds us together stronger.
Master said that NO ONE is to have my ass but him... that includes touching, toys, and fucking. I am happy about that. It's kinda a safety zone and a way to keep that bond going. Master truly respects and understands my needs and I respect him in return.
That's really what this lifestyle is all about, trust and respect. If you have that, then any little obstacles or issues are nothing. You will get through them together. I totally trust and respect him and he totally respects and trusts me. Even though we had some hiccups, I think we definitely found the right person to have in our lives.
I love you Master! Thank you for your patience and understanding. Thank you for making something painful in the past be something wonderful that I will only ever share with you!
Thank you for your time and attention, Sir/Ma'am.
sinfully red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
My Master's Journey in a slave's Shoes
Sir/Ma'am,
Today's blog is hard for me to write. My Master and I changed roles in order to save our marriage and it is not something I want to do on a regular basis. I prefer to be a sub/slave at all times. That being said.......
Master is still learning about this lifestyle. He likes what he sees and the thought of it. As many blogs as I have written and as many times as we talk, he was missing the mark on why I like to be a slave, beaten, and humiliated. I have tried to tell him and well, I guess he still didn't understand.
Master had been off for a couple of days, phoning in his role as Master. When we went to the Club X party, he never treated me like a sub or slave until the end of the night. It was very hard for me. I wanted to serve, I wanted to please him, instead we sat watching others, as I wish he would pay attention to me as well.
When we got home, Master phoned in an orgasm for me and it took forever because I could feel he wasn't even there. I had done a lot at the club when we finally played. Not only be on the cross being beaten, but Master had most of my clothes off, and we hadn't discussed going that far. I thought for sure that deserved a good orgasm or maybe being allowed to sleep in the bed with Master, but no. After the phoned in orgasm, and being sent to the floor, I wasn't going to bed in a very submissive mood. He also forgot my Meds for my Fibro and didn't put the earphones on me. He showed that he just didn't really care.
The next morning I asked for open talk time... where I can speak my mind respectfully and allow him to know what is going on with me. He blew up. He didn't respect the open talk time. Things got really ugly and I was ready to leave. I texted friends who wanted me to leave the house, but I am glad I didn't. He finally revealed that he felt so bad and just wished he could physically feel the pain he was feeling inside. My ears perked up... ah... yes... I can help with that.
I asked him if he really wanted to be punished and feel that pain and he said yes. He stripped down naked and laid on the bed, where I decided to do everything he had done to me in the last 24 hours. I started beating his ass with the paint stick... I wasn't very hard, just some tapping and he was screaming in pain... what???
Master doesn't do well with pain, he is a strong man who has done a lot for our family and others. He is a great protector, but one on one... he can't stand the smallest of pain. I couldn't stand that he was crying so I hit him harder so he would know the difference between hitting hard and just tapping him. He seemed to get it.
Master messes with my nipples all the time... so I messed with his. I put clothes pins all over his body, like he did me and then I messed with them and started using the riding crop on his body. I had him choose which ones were to come off and if they should come off slow or fast. If they fell off I added more and if he swore I added more. I flicked his nipples and really tortured them.
I made him look in the mirror while I beat him and he cried more. I was using the flogger, ping pong paddle, riding crop, and paint stick as my beating tools.
Master hadn't gone to the bathroom yet and had been holding it during the fight. He asked if he could go and I told him to stand in the bathtub but he couldn't go to the bathroom. I grabbed a cup and told him to fill it and then stop peeing. It was very hard for him to control his piss. I took the full cup and dumped it down his back. He filled it up again and I poured it down his front. He was shaking and whimpering. He filled it up the last time. This was early morning piss that had been held for hours. I had him smell the cup for a few deep breathes and then made him pour it on himself. He was about to cry and then I turned the cold shower on him and told him to get clean.
I prepared the bed for the next adventure. As soon as he was done drying off, I put the blind fold on him and led him around then got him on the bed in a slave's present posture. I then caressed his balls and dick, and asshole. I lubed up his ass and put a long line of anal beads up his ass, because I know he likes it. I was gentle and I was letting him enjoy it. Then he really cried. He didn't understand why I would do something he enjoyed.
The punishment was over. He did very well, except for all the crying. It was time to bring him back to being happy, in love, in lust and know that I respect him for going through this and understanding what it is like to be his slave. Just because I punished him doesn't mean I don't love him or want to see him happy. When the punishment is over, it's over.
Master wrote a blog on his insight, I have to say it's been two days and I see a huge difference in how Master interacts with me, beats me, pleasures me, and understands me. The fact that he went through that turns me on. Not because I like to dominate, but that now we have an understanding of each other and their roles.
Master has changed his reason for being in this lifestyle to a much better reason. I feel more comfortable with him now. I feel safe, loved, and the trust is building back up, quickly.
I guess when we move to the next stage in anything we do there can be pain, conflict, resistance, and understanding. I am so happy we have cleared this hurdle, and by doing so, I was able to trust Master enough to relax and have his cock in my ass. He has only ever been able to do so 3 other times. This time it felt good. Trust means a lot in a relationship. If I trust him, then I am more relaxed and comfortable in what he has me do/say.
Please don't think badly of my Master, it was a learning experience. He is a Master, not a sub, he wanted to save our marriage, by spending some time in my shoes. How amazing is that!?!?! I love my Master with all my heart and I thank him for being strong and wanting to do anything to keep us together.
Thank you for your time and attention, Sir/Ma'am.
Sinfully Red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
Today's blog is hard for me to write. My Master and I changed roles in order to save our marriage and it is not something I want to do on a regular basis. I prefer to be a sub/slave at all times. That being said.......
Master is still learning about this lifestyle. He likes what he sees and the thought of it. As many blogs as I have written and as many times as we talk, he was missing the mark on why I like to be a slave, beaten, and humiliated. I have tried to tell him and well, I guess he still didn't understand.
Master had been off for a couple of days, phoning in his role as Master. When we went to the Club X party, he never treated me like a sub or slave until the end of the night. It was very hard for me. I wanted to serve, I wanted to please him, instead we sat watching others, as I wish he would pay attention to me as well.
When we got home, Master phoned in an orgasm for me and it took forever because I could feel he wasn't even there. I had done a lot at the club when we finally played. Not only be on the cross being beaten, but Master had most of my clothes off, and we hadn't discussed going that far. I thought for sure that deserved a good orgasm or maybe being allowed to sleep in the bed with Master, but no. After the phoned in orgasm, and being sent to the floor, I wasn't going to bed in a very submissive mood. He also forgot my Meds for my Fibro and didn't put the earphones on me. He showed that he just didn't really care.
The next morning I asked for open talk time... where I can speak my mind respectfully and allow him to know what is going on with me. He blew up. He didn't respect the open talk time. Things got really ugly and I was ready to leave. I texted friends who wanted me to leave the house, but I am glad I didn't. He finally revealed that he felt so bad and just wished he could physically feel the pain he was feeling inside. My ears perked up... ah... yes... I can help with that.
I asked him if he really wanted to be punished and feel that pain and he said yes. He stripped down naked and laid on the bed, where I decided to do everything he had done to me in the last 24 hours. I started beating his ass with the paint stick... I wasn't very hard, just some tapping and he was screaming in pain... what???
Master doesn't do well with pain, he is a strong man who has done a lot for our family and others. He is a great protector, but one on one... he can't stand the smallest of pain. I couldn't stand that he was crying so I hit him harder so he would know the difference between hitting hard and just tapping him. He seemed to get it.
Master messes with my nipples all the time... so I messed with his. I put clothes pins all over his body, like he did me and then I messed with them and started using the riding crop on his body. I had him choose which ones were to come off and if they should come off slow or fast. If they fell off I added more and if he swore I added more. I flicked his nipples and really tortured them.
I made him look in the mirror while I beat him and he cried more. I was using the flogger, ping pong paddle, riding crop, and paint stick as my beating tools.
Master hadn't gone to the bathroom yet and had been holding it during the fight. He asked if he could go and I told him to stand in the bathtub but he couldn't go to the bathroom. I grabbed a cup and told him to fill it and then stop peeing. It was very hard for him to control his piss. I took the full cup and dumped it down his back. He filled it up again and I poured it down his front. He was shaking and whimpering. He filled it up the last time. This was early morning piss that had been held for hours. I had him smell the cup for a few deep breathes and then made him pour it on himself. He was about to cry and then I turned the cold shower on him and told him to get clean.
I prepared the bed for the next adventure. As soon as he was done drying off, I put the blind fold on him and led him around then got him on the bed in a slave's present posture. I then caressed his balls and dick, and asshole. I lubed up his ass and put a long line of anal beads up his ass, because I know he likes it. I was gentle and I was letting him enjoy it. Then he really cried. He didn't understand why I would do something he enjoyed.
The punishment was over. He did very well, except for all the crying. It was time to bring him back to being happy, in love, in lust and know that I respect him for going through this and understanding what it is like to be his slave. Just because I punished him doesn't mean I don't love him or want to see him happy. When the punishment is over, it's over.
Master wrote a blog on his insight, I have to say it's been two days and I see a huge difference in how Master interacts with me, beats me, pleasures me, and understands me. The fact that he went through that turns me on. Not because I like to dominate, but that now we have an understanding of each other and their roles.
Master has changed his reason for being in this lifestyle to a much better reason. I feel more comfortable with him now. I feel safe, loved, and the trust is building back up, quickly.
I guess when we move to the next stage in anything we do there can be pain, conflict, resistance, and understanding. I am so happy we have cleared this hurdle, and by doing so, I was able to trust Master enough to relax and have his cock in my ass. He has only ever been able to do so 3 other times. This time it felt good. Trust means a lot in a relationship. If I trust him, then I am more relaxed and comfortable in what he has me do/say.
Please don't think badly of my Master, it was a learning experience. He is a Master, not a sub, he wanted to save our marriage, by spending some time in my shoes. How amazing is that!?!?! I love my Master with all my heart and I thank him for being strong and wanting to do anything to keep us together.
Thank you for your time and attention, Sir/Ma'am.
Sinfully Red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
Monday, August 9, 2010
My BDSM Quiz Score
You Scored as Masochist
(((Note: This quiz is not totally comprehensive because of the length such a quiz would be. I kept it sex-based because I felt that psychological profiles and motivations were too complicated and vary too greatly among people that practice BDSM.))) Pain just feels good. Nothing like someone hurting you or hurting yourself in some cases. Often sadism goes hand-in-hand with this practice because the two personalities work well together. And some people like both.
| Masochist | | 86% |
| Experimental | | 82% |
| Degradation Lover | | 79% |
| Submissive | | 79% |
| Bondage | | 68% |
| Exhibitionist / Voyeur | | 61% |
| Switch | | 50% |
| Sadist | | 50% |
| Vanilla | | 18% |
| Dominant | | 4% |
Insights from a Master being a slave by Master Will
Insights from a Master being a slave by Master Will
Journal Entry written about 10 hours ago by MasterWill
As I grow into this relationship with Sinfully Red and learning to become the Master that we both want I realize that I am not perfect in any way. Actually I am far from it and need help and guidance along the way. One of the mistakes I made was I didn't realize what my slave was going through as she is serving me several ways. Last night I failed my slave and did not reward her for a wonderful evening and all the hard work she is doing. Lesson number one: Reward your slave or she will revolt. We went to a play party and once I felt comfortable enough in my own skin as a Master I pulled Sinfully Red to a cross in the dark corner of the room. We talked a bit about what we were going to do and one of the things was to keep her clothes one. Well once she was tied up and took her shirt off I said I needed more space to punish her and undid her bra. Once the scene was moving along I was able to blindfold her and took her pants down. This elicited a anxiety attack but she was brave enough to get past it and get into the role. At one point she was wanting me to hit her harder but with all the noise in the room it made it difficult for me to listen to what she was saying. Lesson number two is to learn her body language so I know that what I am doing is good or bad and if it is good to keep it going and bring it to the next level.
The evening was going well but I wasn't feeling well all day and I really wanted to go because we have talked about this for a very long time. I mustered all my strength and we went. Well once the medicine started wearing off I really needed to get home. Sinfully Red wanted some extra instruction from others at the party but she thought about me and my health and said let's get home get some medicine into you and you can fuck me hard and beat me at home. Lesson Three is communication. She communicated to me her wants and needs and I was shutting down my mouth and didn't communicate back to her what I wanted, needed or my intentions. We got home and I punished her but my heart, mind and soul wasn't into it. I was piss poor at it to be honest and than got her on her back and took the vibrator out and applied it to her pussy to get her to come so I can go to bed. No love or caring there on my part. Lesson Four is the caring of my Sinfully Red. If I am not caring about my slave and thinking about her 110% of the time she isn't going to respect me or give back what I need. I have to be in this with all my energy to show her I know what she needs and give it to her with abundance. Lesson Five is to be attentive to her condition. She suffers from Fibromyalgia and she needs her medication in the morning and night. Well I completely forgot about her medication before I sent her to bed and there is no excuse for that. No medication at night makes slave a very unhappy camper in the morning. Lesson One was the rewarding of your slave. With all the good work she did I rewarded her by telling her she can sleep on the floor where she normally sleeps. Where is the incentive for her to sleep in the bed with me if she goes all out and I kick her to the floor. So to recap I ignored her needs, didn't reward her and forgot to give her her medication for her illness. I didn't show I cared about her.
Thus comes the morning time. All hell brook loose and all the trust was gone that she had for me to protect her. There went the lifestyle. An argument erupted and I lost control of the situation which started the night before. Well I never had consequences to my actions growing up. My parents never spanked me as a kid, never was grounded, I got into trouble and all I got was yelled at. So yelling at me is what I learned to feel love. We punish our children because we love them and don't want them to do wrong. Where was the love from parents on when I did wrong. I am not saying we should "hit" our kids but we need to punish them. I got yelled at so I need the yelling from my wife to feel the safe love from her. Well she doesn't want to do that. I was so angry I told her I wanted to punish myself by cutting my arm because I needed the pain to equate to the punishment. Well she had a better idea. The roles were reversed. She took out every item I use on here to punish her and she used it on me. Holy cow does that hurt. Lesson Six is I learned the pain that I inflict on my slave. I never knew that amount of pain she is enduring for me. It is definitely an eye opener. She also humiliated me. I told her I had to piss and she decided I need to piss in a cup and pour it on myself, that sucked ass but I get the humiliation aspect of it. I showered and was told to put a blindfold on. Here comes lesson Seven and would have to say it was a hard lesson for me to learn and I am still trying to wrap my brain around it. I was to present for her which was get on all fours and she lubed my ass and stuck anal beads up there. Now wait a minute, I like this, how is this happening. I was getting punished and than she is showing me pleasure? The lesson is the pain and the pleasure a slave endures is to please the master. The other big lesson is that I learned why I punish my slave. It was hard for me to reason why I am hurting my slave which is also my wife. I don't want to hurt my wife. Well the reason is I get off on the pleasure she is receiving from the pain. I punish her, she enjoys it, I hear her enjoying it and I thus enjoy hearing her and the cycle continues.
Well after all that she said I had 30 minutes to enjoy her body. I enjoyed it immensely and was able to take back the role of the master. I was able to concentrate on her pleasure and wanted her to be happy. I was able to get her to orgasm several times very easily as opposed to a huge ordeal when I am not paying attention to her. We moved to the shower and got more orgasms out of her. Master is back in control, master is happy and slave is happy as long as master tends to the needs of the slave. Well that is all for now and as I am writing this it is 30 minutes past the time of giving her her medication. You are damn straight I gave her her meds, I don't want to get beat again. :)
Master Will
First ClubX Play Party
Sir/Ma'am,
This blog is going to be all about Master and my adventure at our first ClubX play party.
I first want to send a shout out to some people who were helpful and very understanding, thanks for understanding we are new and trying to make us feel comfortable: Caryl, Tiger, Master Tony & Master Tony's girl.
I apologize if this blog isn't fully together. It seems I'm still not awake. I went to pour the coffee I just made, only to realize I forgot to put the coffee in the machine. I had a nice pot of hot water waiting for me LOL!
Anyway... Master and I prepared for our adventure Saturday night. Master wore his black pants and his "Master" black shirt (it has something on the back about Domination). I wore a lacy black bra, black underwear, jeans and a black button up shirt with my brand new, very elegant necklace/collar. Master of course brought his duffel bag full of toys. The fact that he brought it on the tram, got me a little worried :-) I knew what was in there, because he had me help pack it!
Check in was a breeze and enjoyed the orientation with Caryl :-) We walked through the hall to the big room. Lots of chairs (woo hoo) and lots of play areas. Now I am not going to describe all the play areas, because people need to come see this for themselves! Master took us to seats where the action would be right in front of our faces.
While we were there I think Master was a little nervous, because he definitely was NOT treating me like his slave. We sat there as equals watching, commenting, etc. I was waiting and longing for Master to at least make me sit on the floor or something. All these people were doing there own thing and I was sitting here feeling like he had forgotten me and what we were doing there. I didn't want to just stare at people. I wanted him to pay attention to me. It took almost 3 hours of lurking and watching before Master finally started to feel comfortable and started caressing my breasts and deciding that he wanted to try a scene.
Master picked a cross in a dark corner. He laid out his toys, which scared me, because some of them would have to be used on me while naked, and we didn't discuss that! Master removed my beautiful collar and replaced it with my leather collar with my tag on it. Master put my red wrist cuffs on and tied my arms up the cross. Master then took my shirt off, and tied my waist to the cross so I couldn't squirm around. I was worried and embarrassed having my shirt off, but I dealt with it and decided to just concentrate on the pain that was about to happen.
Master used the paint stick, the ping pong paddle, the riding crop and the flogger on me. He told me that my bra strap was in the way, so he undid it and continued the beating. My eyes were not covered at this time. I was feeling the pain, it was very mild and I was getting into it and enjoying it. I looked around when Master would take a break to change toys.
Master started to raise the level of pain and I closed my eyes and began to focus on the fact that the pain he was giving me was pleasing him. I was enjoying what he was doing. He then put my blindfold on and I knew he was going to raise the bar. He would smack me a few times then come caress my pussy over my jeans. He kept whispering that maybe my jeans should come off. I was horrified, I begged no... but in the end, Master won. I mean I was tied up... what was I going to do about it.
Having the blindfold on helped. I tried staying in the zone...pretty soon, I didn't realize where I was or anything. All I knew was Master was beating me, I was enjoying it and so was he. At one point, Master took my blindfold off and told me to look to my left. There was this amazing woman who was laying down and they were doing needle play on her and she looked amazing with all those needles in her. They were laughing and she was really in sub space. I really admire her for that... I hope one day I can enjoy something like that.
After seeing her, my sub space got deeper. Master had put the blindfold on and I heard my own voice saying harder, hit me harder. What? Am I nuts? Oh but the harder the blows the better I was feeling. Unfortunately, Master wasn't feeling good. He hadn't been all day. He used all his energy, and then it was gone. We cleaned up the scene and Master sent me to the bathroom with my clothes on except my jeans... just a little embarrassment to carry me through the rest of the night.
We were going to get some instruction on better flogging, but Master just wasn't feeling well. So I asked him, if we go home right now, will I get to cum. Master said yes. Well that was a no brainer.... let's go home!!! So we did.
That leads us to a new blog. I have chosen not to write my blog until everyone is able to read my Master's blog first. We had a very crazy weekend and one that almost shattered our lifestyle and our marriage. Master has posted his blog as a journal entry on Fetlife.com, his name is Master Will. I will see if he will be posting it on Blogger.
As for the clubX play party. I liked it. I was surprised at how I didn't complain about losing my clothes. I think seeing other people care more about their scene and the art of this lifestyle/hobby/etc helped me get over myself. The truth of the matter is... I didn't watch everyone, it was hard to. So what makes me so self centered to think everyone is watching me? What if they were, maybe my being up there encouraged someone else to take a bolder step to enjoying their night as Pink Poodle did for me.
Thank you so much for your attention and time, Sir/Ma'am.
Sinfully Red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
This blog is going to be all about Master and my adventure at our first ClubX play party.
I first want to send a shout out to some people who were helpful and very understanding, thanks for understanding we are new and trying to make us feel comfortable: Caryl, Tiger, Master Tony & Master Tony's girl.
I apologize if this blog isn't fully together. It seems I'm still not awake. I went to pour the coffee I just made, only to realize I forgot to put the coffee in the machine. I had a nice pot of hot water waiting for me LOL!
Anyway... Master and I prepared for our adventure Saturday night. Master wore his black pants and his "Master" black shirt (it has something on the back about Domination). I wore a lacy black bra, black underwear, jeans and a black button up shirt with my brand new, very elegant necklace/collar. Master of course brought his duffel bag full of toys. The fact that he brought it on the tram, got me a little worried :-) I knew what was in there, because he had me help pack it!
Check in was a breeze and enjoyed the orientation with Caryl :-) We walked through the hall to the big room. Lots of chairs (woo hoo) and lots of play areas. Now I am not going to describe all the play areas, because people need to come see this for themselves! Master took us to seats where the action would be right in front of our faces.
While we were there I think Master was a little nervous, because he definitely was NOT treating me like his slave. We sat there as equals watching, commenting, etc. I was waiting and longing for Master to at least make me sit on the floor or something. All these people were doing there own thing and I was sitting here feeling like he had forgotten me and what we were doing there. I didn't want to just stare at people. I wanted him to pay attention to me. It took almost 3 hours of lurking and watching before Master finally started to feel comfortable and started caressing my breasts and deciding that he wanted to try a scene.
Master picked a cross in a dark corner. He laid out his toys, which scared me, because some of them would have to be used on me while naked, and we didn't discuss that! Master removed my beautiful collar and replaced it with my leather collar with my tag on it. Master put my red wrist cuffs on and tied my arms up the cross. Master then took my shirt off, and tied my waist to the cross so I couldn't squirm around. I was worried and embarrassed having my shirt off, but I dealt with it and decided to just concentrate on the pain that was about to happen.
Master used the paint stick, the ping pong paddle, the riding crop and the flogger on me. He told me that my bra strap was in the way, so he undid it and continued the beating. My eyes were not covered at this time. I was feeling the pain, it was very mild and I was getting into it and enjoying it. I looked around when Master would take a break to change toys.
Master started to raise the level of pain and I closed my eyes and began to focus on the fact that the pain he was giving me was pleasing him. I was enjoying what he was doing. He then put my blindfold on and I knew he was going to raise the bar. He would smack me a few times then come caress my pussy over my jeans. He kept whispering that maybe my jeans should come off. I was horrified, I begged no... but in the end, Master won. I mean I was tied up... what was I going to do about it.
Having the blindfold on helped. I tried staying in the zone...pretty soon, I didn't realize where I was or anything. All I knew was Master was beating me, I was enjoying it and so was he. At one point, Master took my blindfold off and told me to look to my left. There was this amazing woman who was laying down and they were doing needle play on her and she looked amazing with all those needles in her. They were laughing and she was really in sub space. I really admire her for that... I hope one day I can enjoy something like that.
After seeing her, my sub space got deeper. Master had put the blindfold on and I heard my own voice saying harder, hit me harder. What? Am I nuts? Oh but the harder the blows the better I was feeling. Unfortunately, Master wasn't feeling good. He hadn't been all day. He used all his energy, and then it was gone. We cleaned up the scene and Master sent me to the bathroom with my clothes on except my jeans... just a little embarrassment to carry me through the rest of the night.
We were going to get some instruction on better flogging, but Master just wasn't feeling well. So I asked him, if we go home right now, will I get to cum. Master said yes. Well that was a no brainer.... let's go home!!! So we did.
That leads us to a new blog. I have chosen not to write my blog until everyone is able to read my Master's blog first. We had a very crazy weekend and one that almost shattered our lifestyle and our marriage. Master has posted his blog as a journal entry on Fetlife.com, his name is Master Will. I will see if he will be posting it on Blogger.
As for the clubX play party. I liked it. I was surprised at how I didn't complain about losing my clothes. I think seeing other people care more about their scene and the art of this lifestyle/hobby/etc helped me get over myself. The truth of the matter is... I didn't watch everyone, it was hard to. So what makes me so self centered to think everyone is watching me? What if they were, maybe my being up there encouraged someone else to take a bolder step to enjoying their night as Pink Poodle did for me.
Thank you so much for your attention and time, Sir/Ma'am.
Sinfully Red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
Friday, August 6, 2010
Honesty
Sir/Ma'am,
In having such an up and down week, I have leaned on other subs/slaves for advise and friendship. My Master was gone part of the week and I was keeping in touch with another Master via emails to keep me in line, for the most part.
In my discussions with any Dom, I will make sure my wording is proper and correct. When first introducing myself to subs I use proper wording and make sure everything is Kosher. Once friends with a sub, I want to be myself. Yes, we are subs/slaves and yes, our Masters/Doms probably are reading our emails and texts that we send each other... but that's the key.
I have found in being brutally honest in my blogs/journal, it has helped Master immensely. It is a way for him to look deeply into who I am and where my feelings and thoughts are. When he reads my emails/blogs/texts he gets a better understanding of where I am and where I think we are heading. Perhaps he was taking things a little slow, but in reading an email he finds that another sub has helped me overcome a small hurdle and am willing to try again using new found information to move the process along.
Many times Master is surprised by my deeper understanding of what I have been doing. He gets me more and more. He loves to read new things and loves my complete honesty.
Honesty is rare now days. I choose to be upfront. I may hide my face and real name for family reasons, but I am not fake. This is who I truly am. I am honest with my Master and sometimes I don't understand what I want/don't want until I have started writing my daily blog. So, I have decided to state here what I really want. Honest and upfront with everyone.
I want my Master to be the one guiding light in my life. I do have wants and needs, and with complete honesty, I know that Master will understand them and be able to full fill them. I WANT to please Master and I know that my body has limitations. I am more than willing to work on those limitations for the pleasure of my Master, which then brings me pleasure.
I WANT and NEED friendships with subs that are bare bones honest. I don't care if your Master reads your emails... if you can't be 100% honest in emails to me, because you fear your Master, then, you aren't being honest with your Master. I do not fear that my Master will punish me for what I have said.
Will I be punished for some of the things I have said, yes. However, I do not fear his correction in me. He needs to hear these things, he needs to know my doubts and that it is not just an issue with his slave, but an issue that many subs are dealing with.
If I am honest and tell a sub that I don't like that my Master kept his morning piss and pissed on me and I almost couldn't stand the smell and I almost barfed. Then IF Master happens to read that... I am not being disrespectful of him... but he now can decide will he use that as a punishment tool, or will he choose to understand that in order for us to both enjoy golden showers, he has to start with a little less aggressive technique. If he happens to see the response I get from another sub regarding it, he may see that this sub also hates it, or the sub has explained how she/he got over it and is now enjoying it for her Master.
I have also seen Doms/Masters competing with each other on just how sick and twisted they can be and what they can get their slaves to do. I understand that this is a matter of pride as well as competition. I wonder though how much true and honest communication happens between them. I think that the sub community seems a little more open and honest and is working more towards support and helping each other get to the next level.
and Masters/Doms also tend to have a fear of other Masters/Doms muscling in and trying to take over or even sway a sub away. I feel that's where the communication is lost. I love that my Master has with me and anyone he chooses to bring in our friendships a list of do'sdon'ts. Master and I have an unspoken way of letting each other know which level to go to, what is accepted and what is an absolute no. Setting up boundaries ahead of time is SO important.
There is nothing more confusing to a sub than a temp Master giving orders saying that the Master has approved this, when the Master has only approved very little...but to listen to the other Master. This becomes more confusing because the Master is gone and it is hard to get approval. The sub wants to obey the temp Master as told to, but cannot go against a rule set by her Master, but he is gone and that approval cannot be given. Can you say mentally and emotionally confusing?
subs/slaves are loyal to their Masters after being trained so long to rely on and trust one Master then to bring in a temp Master is hurtful, confusing, and sometimes unwanted. No true sub/slave wants to feel like they are betraying their Masters. Even with the approval from the Master, it feels wrong... and we need time to overcome that. I would say forcing the issue could shut a sub down. It's not that they don't want it, or are unwilling to following Master's commands... it's a mental and emotional thing. Subs are imprinted to their Masters... to try and trust a Master/Dom that has not built that relationship is hard.
So what I am saying is that Master needs to not only understand that I want to serve him completely and do everything he wants me to, but that there are fears, questions, and emotional & physical barriers that may stand in the way of what both of us want. Master is not a mind reader, and there is always a sub out there that has been where I am now. It is imperative that this community not only support each other, but be honest and realistic with each other. There is always time for fantasy to take hold, but if there is a core of honest communication built first regarding that fantasy, then it will sore and bring many pleasurable results.
I am scared to play with others, my loyalty to Master is my issue. I love to talk to other subs to understand their process and be able to gripe, praise and support each other. I love to have someone who is "griping" with me, not to undermine our Masters, but to understand that we aren't alone, and this is part of the process. I am not a mindless robot who does as she is told. I am a woman who fell in love and chose to make her Master her priority in life. I am a woman who chose to trust her Master fully and understand that he will keep me safe and happy, and in return I will be a safe place for him in vulnerable times and keep him emotionally safe, and emotionally and physically happy. I have chosen to be a slave, turning everything over to my Master. However, if I didn't have opinions, personality, humor, an active comforting listening ear... then Master wouldn't WANT or need me. Master wants me to be the person he fell in love with, and I wasn't mindless or opinionless when he met me!
There is a time and place for everything... being honest makes everything easier, happier, and creates an unbreakable bond. I thank you Master for understanding me and allowing the good parts of me to still shine through. Thank you for being a caring, strict, understanding, and a great leader as my husband and Master.
Thank you for your time and attention during my rant, Sir/Ma'am.
Sinfully Red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
In having such an up and down week, I have leaned on other subs/slaves for advise and friendship. My Master was gone part of the week and I was keeping in touch with another Master via emails to keep me in line, for the most part.
In my discussions with any Dom, I will make sure my wording is proper and correct. When first introducing myself to subs I use proper wording and make sure everything is Kosher. Once friends with a sub, I want to be myself. Yes, we are subs/slaves and yes, our Masters/Doms probably are reading our emails and texts that we send each other... but that's the key.
I have found in being brutally honest in my blogs/journal, it has helped Master immensely. It is a way for him to look deeply into who I am and where my feelings and thoughts are. When he reads my emails/blogs/texts he gets a better understanding of where I am and where I think we are heading. Perhaps he was taking things a little slow, but in reading an email he finds that another sub has helped me overcome a small hurdle and am willing to try again using new found information to move the process along.
Many times Master is surprised by my deeper understanding of what I have been doing. He gets me more and more. He loves to read new things and loves my complete honesty.
Honesty is rare now days. I choose to be upfront. I may hide my face and real name for family reasons, but I am not fake. This is who I truly am. I am honest with my Master and sometimes I don't understand what I want/don't want until I have started writing my daily blog. So, I have decided to state here what I really want. Honest and upfront with everyone.
I want my Master to be the one guiding light in my life. I do have wants and needs, and with complete honesty, I know that Master will understand them and be able to full fill them. I WANT to please Master and I know that my body has limitations. I am more than willing to work on those limitations for the pleasure of my Master, which then brings me pleasure.
I WANT and NEED friendships with subs that are bare bones honest. I don't care if your Master reads your emails... if you can't be 100% honest in emails to me, because you fear your Master, then, you aren't being honest with your Master. I do not fear that my Master will punish me for what I have said.
Will I be punished for some of the things I have said, yes. However, I do not fear his correction in me. He needs to hear these things, he needs to know my doubts and that it is not just an issue with his slave, but an issue that many subs are dealing with.
If I am honest and tell a sub that I don't like that my Master kept his morning piss and pissed on me and I almost couldn't stand the smell and I almost barfed. Then IF Master happens to read that... I am not being disrespectful of him... but he now can decide will he use that as a punishment tool, or will he choose to understand that in order for us to both enjoy golden showers, he has to start with a little less aggressive technique. If he happens to see the response I get from another sub regarding it, he may see that this sub also hates it, or the sub has explained how she/he got over it and is now enjoying it for her Master.
I have also seen Doms/Masters competing with each other on just how sick and twisted they can be and what they can get their slaves to do. I understand that this is a matter of pride as well as competition. I wonder though how much true and honest communication happens between them. I think that the sub community seems a little more open and honest and is working more towards support and helping each other get to the next level.
and Masters/Doms also tend to have a fear of other Masters/Doms muscling in and trying to take over or even sway a sub away. I feel that's where the communication is lost. I love that my Master has with me and anyone he chooses to bring in our friendships a list of do'sdon'ts. Master and I have an unspoken way of letting each other know which level to go to, what is accepted and what is an absolute no. Setting up boundaries ahead of time is SO important.
There is nothing more confusing to a sub than a temp Master giving orders saying that the Master has approved this, when the Master has only approved very little...but to listen to the other Master. This becomes more confusing because the Master is gone and it is hard to get approval. The sub wants to obey the temp Master as told to, but cannot go against a rule set by her Master, but he is gone and that approval cannot be given. Can you say mentally and emotionally confusing?
subs/slaves are loyal to their Masters after being trained so long to rely on and trust one Master then to bring in a temp Master is hurtful, confusing, and sometimes unwanted. No true sub/slave wants to feel like they are betraying their Masters. Even with the approval from the Master, it feels wrong... and we need time to overcome that. I would say forcing the issue could shut a sub down. It's not that they don't want it, or are unwilling to following Master's commands... it's a mental and emotional thing. Subs are imprinted to their Masters... to try and trust a Master/Dom that has not built that relationship is hard.
So what I am saying is that Master needs to not only understand that I want to serve him completely and do everything he wants me to, but that there are fears, questions, and emotional & physical barriers that may stand in the way of what both of us want. Master is not a mind reader, and there is always a sub out there that has been where I am now. It is imperative that this community not only support each other, but be honest and realistic with each other. There is always time for fantasy to take hold, but if there is a core of honest communication built first regarding that fantasy, then it will sore and bring many pleasurable results.
I am scared to play with others, my loyalty to Master is my issue. I love to talk to other subs to understand their process and be able to gripe, praise and support each other. I love to have someone who is "griping" with me, not to undermine our Masters, but to understand that we aren't alone, and this is part of the process. I am not a mindless robot who does as she is told. I am a woman who fell in love and chose to make her Master her priority in life. I am a woman who chose to trust her Master fully and understand that he will keep me safe and happy, and in return I will be a safe place for him in vulnerable times and keep him emotionally safe, and emotionally and physically happy. I have chosen to be a slave, turning everything over to my Master. However, if I didn't have opinions, personality, humor, an active comforting listening ear... then Master wouldn't WANT or need me. Master wants me to be the person he fell in love with, and I wasn't mindless or opinionless when he met me!
There is a time and place for everything... being honest makes everything easier, happier, and creates an unbreakable bond. I thank you Master for understanding me and allowing the good parts of me to still shine through. Thank you for being a caring, strict, understanding, and a great leader as my husband and Master.
Thank you for your time and attention during my rant, Sir/Ma'am.
Sinfully Red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Where's My Luck Dragon?!?!?!
Sir/Ma'am,
I really don't feel like sharing today. I am in a total mental and physical funk. I am not sure how I got to this point. It is definitely the cause of more than one thing, I would think. Sleep was horrible, uncomfortable, barely there. I woke up just not happy at all. I wanted to just go back to sleep and hope to not wake up for a couple of days.
I suppose some of it has to do with Master not being here last night, but I don't think that is the main reason, because I was in my routine and I was doing well. Perhaps it's because I forgot my medicine last night. Perhaps it's the fact that I don't want to meet a friend for coffee today. I am not sure. My mind is not clear and usually I can figure out how I get where I am at and all I see is a gray fog that seems to be growing. It reminds me of the "Nothing". Now we will see people's age/geek factor to that reference!
So until I find a name... I guess this fog will just keep growing. I pray for the safety and sanity of those around me as I try to figure my way out of this one.
Thank you for your time and attention, Sir/Ma'am.
sinfully red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
I really don't feel like sharing today. I am in a total mental and physical funk. I am not sure how I got to this point. It is definitely the cause of more than one thing, I would think. Sleep was horrible, uncomfortable, barely there. I woke up just not happy at all. I wanted to just go back to sleep and hope to not wake up for a couple of days.
I suppose some of it has to do with Master not being here last night, but I don't think that is the main reason, because I was in my routine and I was doing well. Perhaps it's because I forgot my medicine last night. Perhaps it's the fact that I don't want to meet a friend for coffee today. I am not sure. My mind is not clear and usually I can figure out how I get where I am at and all I see is a gray fog that seems to be growing. It reminds me of the "Nothing". Now we will see people's age/geek factor to that reference!
So until I find a name... I guess this fog will just keep growing. I pray for the safety and sanity of those around me as I try to figure my way out of this one.
Thank you for your time and attention, Sir/Ma'am.
sinfully red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Mentors?
Sir/Ma'am,
Master and I have met three couples that we seem to have a common link with. Two of them are more openly active and we have reached out to them for some mentorship. To be honest, I am not quite sure what it means to have a mentor in the community. I don't know what is expected of either side.
Master, of course, does all the talking with the other Doms. I just feel like I still don't know what we are doing. It's nice to have people who are in the same area of the community and have some of the same goals.
As a slave and a bottom's bottom, I am not sure how to address other subs/slaves/bottoms etc. I also know that Sir/Ma'am is universal way to address a Dom/Top/Master but what about a switch? I'm kinda confused. I need order, rules, and guidelines in my life to help keep my Fibro and my submissiveness in check.
Because of my Fibro, I am not able to comprehend reading large amounts of information. However, wouldn't it be great if there was a handbook out there already???
From talking to some others, it seems that each community has it's own set of guidelines or rules. Wouldn't it be cool to get the Doms together to write a handbook on what it is to be a Dom/Top/Master in San Diego? After it is written have the subs/bottoms/slaves write a book on how to act as their role in San Diego? It's just a thought.
It would be nice to see very concise information on the community in each area. I guess I am nervous that having a mentor means the relationship between Master and I will change, and I'm not for that. I like having him to myself and want him to like me only having him. I know that in the very far future there is talk of experimenting, but I like where we are now.
I think I am open to clothed interaction with a mentor or friends. Maybe even some nudity, but I am not ready to let someone touch me intimately like Master does, if that makes sense. I know that in the past I have written of just wanting to be touched, but that's all. It's the idea that turns me on more than the act... that's what fantasies are for. It brings the "what if" into play.
So if I have a mentor or two... what is my obligation to them? What is their obligation to me? I haven't talked to anyone who has a mentor, or at least we haven't discussed that part of their lifestyle. I am interested to find out how mentorships tend to work with others out there.
Now, I will say that last night that our mentor, Mr. Inuncio, came into the mix. It was torture, and it was fun! Master had rolled me tightly in our comforter and then tied rope around me. I had my hood & blindfold on and Master just sat there reading his email and doing his thing online.
All of a sudden his cell phone went off. It was Mr. Inuncio had called to make a first contact with Master since seeing him last week. I told Master to tell him I said hi, and I got a ball gag in my mouth! I kept hearing Master say, "yes, definitely, exactly, thank you, I'll have to try that" My head was spinning wondering what our mentor was telling Master. I wasn't able to ask!
Master would beat me with the riding crop while he was talking to Mr. Inuncio. At one point I could hear our mentors voice and all I kept hearing him say was piss! What?!?!? Okay... now I wanted to be a part of this conversation and I couldn't be. I couldn't ask what was being said, I couldn't put in my two cents!
It was a pretty long conversation (Master doesn't do well on the phone) and when I got out, Master hardly mentioned anything that was said. Great. So, I am scared, worried and intrigued all at the same time. I am wondering what Master and Mr. Inuncio have in store for me now!
Well, I have some chores to do, including working on some pictures, I appreciate the time and attention that you have given me by reading this, Sir/Ma'am.
Sinfully Red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
Master and I have met three couples that we seem to have a common link with. Two of them are more openly active and we have reached out to them for some mentorship. To be honest, I am not quite sure what it means to have a mentor in the community. I don't know what is expected of either side.
Master, of course, does all the talking with the other Doms. I just feel like I still don't know what we are doing. It's nice to have people who are in the same area of the community and have some of the same goals.
As a slave and a bottom's bottom, I am not sure how to address other subs/slaves/bottoms etc. I also know that Sir/Ma'am is universal way to address a Dom/Top/Master but what about a switch? I'm kinda confused. I need order, rules, and guidelines in my life to help keep my Fibro and my submissiveness in check.
Because of my Fibro, I am not able to comprehend reading large amounts of information. However, wouldn't it be great if there was a handbook out there already???
From talking to some others, it seems that each community has it's own set of guidelines or rules. Wouldn't it be cool to get the Doms together to write a handbook on what it is to be a Dom/Top/Master in San Diego? After it is written have the subs/bottoms/slaves write a book on how to act as their role in San Diego? It's just a thought.
It would be nice to see very concise information on the community in each area. I guess I am nervous that having a mentor means the relationship between Master and I will change, and I'm not for that. I like having him to myself and want him to like me only having him. I know that in the very far future there is talk of experimenting, but I like where we are now.
I think I am open to clothed interaction with a mentor or friends. Maybe even some nudity, but I am not ready to let someone touch me intimately like Master does, if that makes sense. I know that in the past I have written of just wanting to be touched, but that's all. It's the idea that turns me on more than the act... that's what fantasies are for. It brings the "what if" into play.
So if I have a mentor or two... what is my obligation to them? What is their obligation to me? I haven't talked to anyone who has a mentor, or at least we haven't discussed that part of their lifestyle. I am interested to find out how mentorships tend to work with others out there.
Now, I will say that last night that our mentor, Mr. Inuncio, came into the mix. It was torture, and it was fun! Master had rolled me tightly in our comforter and then tied rope around me. I had my hood & blindfold on and Master just sat there reading his email and doing his thing online.
All of a sudden his cell phone went off. It was Mr. Inuncio had called to make a first contact with Master since seeing him last week. I told Master to tell him I said hi, and I got a ball gag in my mouth! I kept hearing Master say, "yes, definitely, exactly, thank you, I'll have to try that" My head was spinning wondering what our mentor was telling Master. I wasn't able to ask!
Master would beat me with the riding crop while he was talking to Mr. Inuncio. At one point I could hear our mentors voice and all I kept hearing him say was piss! What?!?!? Okay... now I wanted to be a part of this conversation and I couldn't be. I couldn't ask what was being said, I couldn't put in my two cents!
It was a pretty long conversation (Master doesn't do well on the phone) and when I got out, Master hardly mentioned anything that was said. Great. So, I am scared, worried and intrigued all at the same time. I am wondering what Master and Mr. Inuncio have in store for me now!
Well, I have some chores to do, including working on some pictures, I appreciate the time and attention that you have given me by reading this, Sir/Ma'am.
Sinfully Red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
My First Beat & Greet!
Sir/Ma'am,
I attended my first Beat & Greet this last Friday!!! I have been to a fetish club with Master before, so I was kinda expecting that. However, the BDSM scene isn't as forward in San Diego, as it is in Los Angeles.
We drove to the location it was being held. It wasn't too hard to know where because we saw people outside the door that we were pretty sure going to the same place we were. Master and I wore all black, so that no matter what everyone else was wearing we would fit in LOL!
We went through the door person (keeping track of how many, only 50 people at a time). We went up the elevator to the door. Master and I looked at each other and he opened the door. Wow, very very tiny! It was a flat turned into a nice little BDSM retreat. We filled out the paperwork and started to walk around. We saw the cross and many different floggers/whips. We saw many spanking/punishment furniture. We saw a cage with the padding on top. There were restraints, paddles and such along the wall.
There was a medical scene there with an exam table, a dentist chair and many many medical toys. Then the furthest room had a place to do knot work, and suspension. We sat there most of the night.
After we sat down, a gal and her two friends came into the area. The gal started practicing particular restraint knots and then more detailed knots. She answered some questions and took volunteers. My pussy was very wet at the time and I so wanted to volunteer, but Master hadn't given me permission to be vocal. At one point the gals needed some help with working the pulley. Master jumped in to help. He was now part of the scene and I could feel my pussy lips swell, I even felt a little woozy. He pulled on that chain and made that gal straighten up and become unable to move. I was so turned on. I don't know if it was because he could do that to me, or that Master was in a scene with others. I have thought about it and still am unsure.
There was a gal who seemed to need an awful lot of attention. She seemed to want everything done to her. So it got a little too focused about her than learning new knots. Master and I decided to look around. We saw a gal who was bent over in a spanking position where about 5 different people were touching her. I was amazed at how open everyone was. Some people stay clothed while playing and some were naked. They were comfortable with their bodies. I mean this wasn't a model shoot for Taboo or anything. There were all types of bodies, attitudes, personalities, etc. For the most part everyone seemed to be comfortable with their bodies, except for me. I wanted to participate a little, but was ok with Master not engaging us in any play, because I was uncomfortable with how I would look.
I was not the shortest, fattest, most pale, etc... yet I thought these people, all of them, would think I was ugly, unattractive, wishing I would put my clothes back on. So I am glad we didn't take them off to begin with.
For a while we sat on this padded ottoman that obviously double as some kind of kink play area. There we watched a friend we had made on Fetlife show a couple of people the different types of floggers and how they feel when used correctly.
After a while we ended up over near the cage. Master ended up sitting on it for a while. The all of a sudden a few people shove this girl in the cage under him. Master and I were interested. I kept looking down at the cage and she kept showing her crotch. Master got down to have a look. Master and I wish we had a bigger place so we could have a cage. Seeing it being used seemed to increase that wish.
My feet were sore in my boots, so Master lifted me up onto the cage. The whole time we were there we really didn't interact/talk to too many people, and Master was there to get advise and share. He finally heard a conversation that gave him the open door. He introduced himself to this guy. Next thing I know the guy introduces himself to me and begins to talk about how to make this lifestyle 24/7. He was in a committed relationship and they are 24/7.
While talking to Master he wanted to show him how to immediately put me into a submissive mode. He told me to get on my knees in front of Master. I did. I was looking directly at Master's crotch in front of all of these people. I was a little embarrassed, but it was starting to melt away. The guy then showed Master how to control me easily by grabbing the back of my head and moving my head around. When he was doing that, I caught a glimpse of Master. He was looking down at me and I could see he was very interested in implementing what he was learning. It was just a quick look, but I could see it and that is all it took. I didn't care where I was... I wanted to feel like that again. That look is what I wanted and pleasing Master is all I cared about. Just typing this is causing the feeling all over again. When he was done, the guy said so, but I stayed there on my knees looking up at Master, waiting for his next command. It felt like I was begging with my eyes to him to control me and command me to do something that would please him. The guy then said see now she is waiting for your next command, she is in a submissive mode. Master told me to get up and I did.
It looked like it was time to wrap up and leave so, with that little bit of advise, Master and I left our first Beat & Greet. We are now learning of more meetings/club dates/munches. I am wondering what they will be like and how more submissive I can be to Master.
Thank you to those who held the event and to those who talked to us and gave us advise.
Thank you for your time and attention, Sir/Ma'am.
Sinfully Red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
I attended my first Beat & Greet this last Friday!!! I have been to a fetish club with Master before, so I was kinda expecting that. However, the BDSM scene isn't as forward in San Diego, as it is in Los Angeles.
We drove to the location it was being held. It wasn't too hard to know where because we saw people outside the door that we were pretty sure going to the same place we were. Master and I wore all black, so that no matter what everyone else was wearing we would fit in LOL!
We went through the door person (keeping track of how many, only 50 people at a time). We went up the elevator to the door. Master and I looked at each other and he opened the door. Wow, very very tiny! It was a flat turned into a nice little BDSM retreat. We filled out the paperwork and started to walk around. We saw the cross and many different floggers/whips. We saw many spanking/punishment furniture. We saw a cage with the padding on top. There were restraints, paddles and such along the wall.
There was a medical scene there with an exam table, a dentist chair and many many medical toys. Then the furthest room had a place to do knot work, and suspension. We sat there most of the night.
After we sat down, a gal and her two friends came into the area. The gal started practicing particular restraint knots and then more detailed knots. She answered some questions and took volunteers. My pussy was very wet at the time and I so wanted to volunteer, but Master hadn't given me permission to be vocal. At one point the gals needed some help with working the pulley. Master jumped in to help. He was now part of the scene and I could feel my pussy lips swell, I even felt a little woozy. He pulled on that chain and made that gal straighten up and become unable to move. I was so turned on. I don't know if it was because he could do that to me, or that Master was in a scene with others. I have thought about it and still am unsure.
There was a gal who seemed to need an awful lot of attention. She seemed to want everything done to her. So it got a little too focused about her than learning new knots. Master and I decided to look around. We saw a gal who was bent over in a spanking position where about 5 different people were touching her. I was amazed at how open everyone was. Some people stay clothed while playing and some were naked. They were comfortable with their bodies. I mean this wasn't a model shoot for Taboo or anything. There were all types of bodies, attitudes, personalities, etc. For the most part everyone seemed to be comfortable with their bodies, except for me. I wanted to participate a little, but was ok with Master not engaging us in any play, because I was uncomfortable with how I would look.
I was not the shortest, fattest, most pale, etc... yet I thought these people, all of them, would think I was ugly, unattractive, wishing I would put my clothes back on. So I am glad we didn't take them off to begin with.
For a while we sat on this padded ottoman that obviously double as some kind of kink play area. There we watched a friend we had made on Fetlife show a couple of people the different types of floggers and how they feel when used correctly.
After a while we ended up over near the cage. Master ended up sitting on it for a while. The all of a sudden a few people shove this girl in the cage under him. Master and I were interested. I kept looking down at the cage and she kept showing her crotch. Master got down to have a look. Master and I wish we had a bigger place so we could have a cage. Seeing it being used seemed to increase that wish.
My feet were sore in my boots, so Master lifted me up onto the cage. The whole time we were there we really didn't interact/talk to too many people, and Master was there to get advise and share. He finally heard a conversation that gave him the open door. He introduced himself to this guy. Next thing I know the guy introduces himself to me and begins to talk about how to make this lifestyle 24/7. He was in a committed relationship and they are 24/7.
While talking to Master he wanted to show him how to immediately put me into a submissive mode. He told me to get on my knees in front of Master. I did. I was looking directly at Master's crotch in front of all of these people. I was a little embarrassed, but it was starting to melt away. The guy then showed Master how to control me easily by grabbing the back of my head and moving my head around. When he was doing that, I caught a glimpse of Master. He was looking down at me and I could see he was very interested in implementing what he was learning. It was just a quick look, but I could see it and that is all it took. I didn't care where I was... I wanted to feel like that again. That look is what I wanted and pleasing Master is all I cared about. Just typing this is causing the feeling all over again. When he was done, the guy said so, but I stayed there on my knees looking up at Master, waiting for his next command. It felt like I was begging with my eyes to him to control me and command me to do something that would please him. The guy then said see now she is waiting for your next command, she is in a submissive mode. Master told me to get up and I did.
It looked like it was time to wrap up and leave so, with that little bit of advise, Master and I left our first Beat & Greet. We are now learning of more meetings/club dates/munches. I am wondering what they will be like and how more submissive I can be to Master.
Thank you to those who held the event and to those who talked to us and gave us advise.
Thank you for your time and attention, Sir/Ma'am.
Sinfully Red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Can You Rape the Willing?
Sir/Ma'am,
Yesterday was very intense. Master had been away for a while and to be honest it was hard to get back into our routine and remembering things like saying Master. I don't know why that one is so hard for me.
I had passed my inspection and Master took me to an appointment. When we got back, he mentioned my disrespect and lack of following rules to me. I was concerned but figured a good flogging was in order. That's how he usually handles these things. Nope!
Master ripped my clothes off and raped me. Now they say you can't rape the willing, I disagree. The amount of force he used intimidated me a lot. It was the first time I saw him take punishing me so seriously. It didn't matter if I cried out (as long as the safe word isn't uttered of course, which I didn't) he slammed my pussy hard with his cock. He was beating me while he fucked me very hard. I felt a few tears a couple of times.
Usually if I cry out Master would stop and caress me and calm everything down. This time the cries made it worse! When he was done with me, he told me to use the restroom. I can't remember exactly what happened, cause I was kinda in shock.... but I messed up when I talked to Master. I'm not sure if I had swore, not said Master, looked him in the eye... I really don't remember, because the punishment is all I can remember, that and there are four rules, only four and I better learn them quick!
Master was so pissed, literally! He forced me into the bathtub and made me get on my knees. He told me to open my mouth. I knew what he had planned, he was going to piss in my mouth. This is a borderline issue for me. I understand being pissed on... but in my mouth? I honestly wasn't even turned on, so that wasn't even in the mix for me. I definitely was NOT in subspace at that time. I bawled! I cried and begged him no. He kept telling me to open my mouth, and I kept refusing.
Master tried prying my mouth open, but I was so scared and worried that not letting him do this was my only concern. Master then went and grabbed the dental gag, I fought him and lost (almost lost a tooth too). He had the gag as far open as he could. Tears covered my breasts. Master then began pissing on me, first my chest, then my neck, working his way to my mouth. I swear Master had been saving up two days worth of piss. He just kept going and going. He then pissed on my cheeks and my chin. I kept raising my head as far as I could to keep from getting anything in my mouth. The smell was horrible. I felt a few splatter droplets hit my tongue, but thankfully Master was kind enough not to piss directly in my mouth.
I was covered in this smelly mess, crying. I cried out promises and admissions to stuff, I probably didn't do, but I felt horrible. I was raped and then forcibly pissed on. Then he turn on the shower as cold as can be to "wash" off the piss. It was shear torture. This was his first time for disregard to anything I felt or said. He had a plan/mission and he carried it out without any hesitation. I guess he had already worked it out in his mind what he needed the end result to be, and I think he got it.
After cleaning up properly, I found myself actually respecting him more than I already did. He has shown me to what limits he is willing to go. He has shown that he is NOT going to stray from the goal we set together a while ago. I do know if I said the safe word, he would have stopped, but I can no longer count on him stopping for a few forced tears. He has learned what my true limits are as well. Now that he knows where my real boundaries lie, I think the training will be truly on course. It may not take as long now to be trained enough to know I AM his slave fully.
It's scary and exciting at the same time. Master isn't fucking around anymore, he means it, and I know that I better give a lot more than I have been. This isn't about his follow through anymore, it's about his domination over me, and I better start learning to respect that he is in control.
I am sure some of this comes from the advice that has been shared with Master, as well as him being tired of having to punish me for the same stupid mistakes over and over again. I am definitely hoping that there are subs/slaves out there that can advise me. Those of you who are experienced, I need advise on coping and learning to get those things into my head and not forget to follow those damn rules. I would appreciate any help.
Thank you for your time, advise, and attention, Sir/Ma'am
Sinfully Red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
Yesterday was very intense. Master had been away for a while and to be honest it was hard to get back into our routine and remembering things like saying Master. I don't know why that one is so hard for me.
I had passed my inspection and Master took me to an appointment. When we got back, he mentioned my disrespect and lack of following rules to me. I was concerned but figured a good flogging was in order. That's how he usually handles these things. Nope!
Master ripped my clothes off and raped me. Now they say you can't rape the willing, I disagree. The amount of force he used intimidated me a lot. It was the first time I saw him take punishing me so seriously. It didn't matter if I cried out (as long as the safe word isn't uttered of course, which I didn't) he slammed my pussy hard with his cock. He was beating me while he fucked me very hard. I felt a few tears a couple of times.
Usually if I cry out Master would stop and caress me and calm everything down. This time the cries made it worse! When he was done with me, he told me to use the restroom. I can't remember exactly what happened, cause I was kinda in shock.... but I messed up when I talked to Master. I'm not sure if I had swore, not said Master, looked him in the eye... I really don't remember, because the punishment is all I can remember, that and there are four rules, only four and I better learn them quick!
Master was so pissed, literally! He forced me into the bathtub and made me get on my knees. He told me to open my mouth. I knew what he had planned, he was going to piss in my mouth. This is a borderline issue for me. I understand being pissed on... but in my mouth? I honestly wasn't even turned on, so that wasn't even in the mix for me. I definitely was NOT in subspace at that time. I bawled! I cried and begged him no. He kept telling me to open my mouth, and I kept refusing.
Master tried prying my mouth open, but I was so scared and worried that not letting him do this was my only concern. Master then went and grabbed the dental gag, I fought him and lost (almost lost a tooth too). He had the gag as far open as he could. Tears covered my breasts. Master then began pissing on me, first my chest, then my neck, working his way to my mouth. I swear Master had been saving up two days worth of piss. He just kept going and going. He then pissed on my cheeks and my chin. I kept raising my head as far as I could to keep from getting anything in my mouth. The smell was horrible. I felt a few splatter droplets hit my tongue, but thankfully Master was kind enough not to piss directly in my mouth.
I was covered in this smelly mess, crying. I cried out promises and admissions to stuff, I probably didn't do, but I felt horrible. I was raped and then forcibly pissed on. Then he turn on the shower as cold as can be to "wash" off the piss. It was shear torture. This was his first time for disregard to anything I felt or said. He had a plan/mission and he carried it out without any hesitation. I guess he had already worked it out in his mind what he needed the end result to be, and I think he got it.
After cleaning up properly, I found myself actually respecting him more than I already did. He has shown me to what limits he is willing to go. He has shown that he is NOT going to stray from the goal we set together a while ago. I do know if I said the safe word, he would have stopped, but I can no longer count on him stopping for a few forced tears. He has learned what my true limits are as well. Now that he knows where my real boundaries lie, I think the training will be truly on course. It may not take as long now to be trained enough to know I AM his slave fully.
It's scary and exciting at the same time. Master isn't fucking around anymore, he means it, and I know that I better give a lot more than I have been. This isn't about his follow through anymore, it's about his domination over me, and I better start learning to respect that he is in control.
I am sure some of this comes from the advice that has been shared with Master, as well as him being tired of having to punish me for the same stupid mistakes over and over again. I am definitely hoping that there are subs/slaves out there that can advise me. Those of you who are experienced, I need advise on coping and learning to get those things into my head and not forget to follow those damn rules. I would appreciate any help.
Thank you for your time, advise, and attention, Sir/Ma'am
Sinfully Red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
He's Back!
Sir/Ma'am,
Yesterday my Master came back home! It was nice to have him back, even though I had messed up my legs, and was afraid to show him.
Master greeted me by shoving his cock in my mouth, I was so happy :-). He and I talked about the week, and what things he felt I needed to change. He plans on working on my daily routine, so that I don't have to have reminders, I just know to do it.
Before going to bed, Master put a hood on me, blindfold and tied me down so I couldn't move. He proceeded to torture my breasts and smack me with the paint stick. Master put the dental gag in my mouth, sat on my chest and put his balls in my mouth, as he jacked off. He kept talking to me about him cumming down my throat. I was so wet, I wanted to suck his cock and couldn't! Then he released into my mouth, but I wasn't allowed to swallow. I had to hold his cum in the back of my mouth. (no he didn't take a picture, I wish he had so I could have seen) Then he told me to swallow, and of course I did. He was claiming me back, and I loved it.
He then tortured me with the vibrator, I never was allowed to cum. He then put me on the floor on a dog bed, chained me to the bed, and made me sleep there, like an animal.
This morning when Master woke me up, I sucked on his cock and he came in my mouth and I swallowed. I can't eat unless I swallow him every morning. He pulled up his pants and went out the door for the day. It's good to have Master back. I feel more comfortable now!
Thank you for your time and attention, Sir/Ma'am.
Sinfully Red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
Yesterday my Master came back home! It was nice to have him back, even though I had messed up my legs, and was afraid to show him.
Master greeted me by shoving his cock in my mouth, I was so happy :-). He and I talked about the week, and what things he felt I needed to change. He plans on working on my daily routine, so that I don't have to have reminders, I just know to do it.
Before going to bed, Master put a hood on me, blindfold and tied me down so I couldn't move. He proceeded to torture my breasts and smack me with the paint stick. Master put the dental gag in my mouth, sat on my chest and put his balls in my mouth, as he jacked off. He kept talking to me about him cumming down my throat. I was so wet, I wanted to suck his cock and couldn't! Then he released into my mouth, but I wasn't allowed to swallow. I had to hold his cum in the back of my mouth. (no he didn't take a picture, I wish he had so I could have seen) Then he told me to swallow, and of course I did. He was claiming me back, and I loved it.
He then tortured me with the vibrator, I never was allowed to cum. He then put me on the floor on a dog bed, chained me to the bed, and made me sleep there, like an animal.
This morning when Master woke me up, I sucked on his cock and he came in my mouth and I swallowed. I can't eat unless I swallow him every morning. He pulled up his pants and went out the door for the day. It's good to have Master back. I feel more comfortable now!
Thank you for your time and attention, Sir/Ma'am.
Sinfully Red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
Monday, July 26, 2010
OUCH!!! Questions, please respond!!
Sir/Ma'am,
Yesterday I was trying to get ready for Master to return today. I thought I would take care of certain things, like dying my hair and shaving, etc.
The hair turned out great! Nice bright red, just like Master likes. My legs, are a totally different story. I had decided to use Nair. I have used it before with no problem. Well, 1 minute into having it on my skin and I was dying! The pain was horrible! I hopped in the shower with a washcloth and soap and tried to clean it off as quickly and thoroughly as possible.
When I got out, the entire back sides of my legs, from the bottom of my ass to half-way down my calves...chemical burned. I have been fighting the welts and pain for over 24 hours now. It has left me sick (can't keep anything down) and unable to do ANYTHING!!!
I was wondering if anything like this has happened to you? I am also curious to know what the Masters out there expect from their slaves for grooming. Do you expect your slave/sub to be completely hairless from the armpits down? How often do you require your slave/sub to do a grooming to that extreme? I am curious as to what other slaves/subs do out there. Please email me and let me know, or comment at the bottom.
Thank you for your help, time and attention, Sir/Ma'am.
Sinfully Red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
Yesterday I was trying to get ready for Master to return today. I thought I would take care of certain things, like dying my hair and shaving, etc.
The hair turned out great! Nice bright red, just like Master likes. My legs, are a totally different story. I had decided to use Nair. I have used it before with no problem. Well, 1 minute into having it on my skin and I was dying! The pain was horrible! I hopped in the shower with a washcloth and soap and tried to clean it off as quickly and thoroughly as possible.
When I got out, the entire back sides of my legs, from the bottom of my ass to half-way down my calves...chemical burned. I have been fighting the welts and pain for over 24 hours now. It has left me sick (can't keep anything down) and unable to do ANYTHING!!!
I was wondering if anything like this has happened to you? I am also curious to know what the Masters out there expect from their slaves for grooming. Do you expect your slave/sub to be completely hairless from the armpits down? How often do you require your slave/sub to do a grooming to that extreme? I am curious as to what other slaves/subs do out there. Please email me and let me know, or comment at the bottom.
Thank you for your help, time and attention, Sir/Ma'am.
Sinfully Red
www.sinfullyred.blogspot.com
BDSMMasterandslave@gmail.com
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Why BDSM?
So, the question I am sure I will be asked over and over again is why have I decided to adopt this lifestyle? What has driven me to wanting to give myself over to one person, fully?
My first answer of course is that my Master is the love of my life. I married him before this lifestyle; I chose to be with him the rest of my life before we even discussed trying this lifestyle. Even if he had chosen not to do this, I would be with him the rest of my life.
I know though, just as you probably suspect, I have a deeper reason, maybe a few which drives me to want to be not just submissive, but completely submissive and take the role of slave seriously. I have been thinking long, knowing not only do I need to answer this question for others, including Master, but I too need to know.
I know that I have been forced to be responsible, in charge, making decisions, and giving up some of my childhood, thus being unable to live free, and being who I really want to be. With my husband’s career, I have been put in the position of being Mom, Dad, lawyer, teacher, etc. I have had to go 6 months at various times, being these people by myself. It drains on you, and you just wish someone would come along and take all these burdens from you and allow you to just be who you always wanted to be.
I have always felt a little fake. I absolutely hate fake people, and so I loathe myself. I know there is a difference between being polite and being fake, but to ensure a spouse’s career, you have to be careful. You can’t support things you might normally, because it could hurt his job. Also, you have to fake being strong and be there for your children, by yourself. I have always pretended to be a strong person, and it has completely ruined me. I have an illness that I believe has been made worse earlier than it should be, because of this.
I have a certain faith, I don’t necessarily subscribe to a specific doctrine. In my life I have practiced many different faiths and I have chosen a little from each one that makes sense. NOT that support what I want to do, but getting rid of all the dogma involved. In getting spiritual support and needing support for my family, I go to a specific church, but feel I cannot be me, because what I believe isn’t totally in line with the church we attend. I have yet to find a church that believes what I believe, so we go to a church that is as close as we have found.
My faith leads me to wonder how to be completely submissive to a God I cannot see/feel/hear. How do you turn everything, your whole world over and trust completely that if you do everything that is required that you will be loved and safe. Perhaps if I can be completely be submissive to my husband/master, I can use what I have learned in my walk of faith.
At this time I can hear people scratching their heads. How can you go from BDSM to believing in God? I am not sleeping around with people. This is something I am doing with my husband. I want to learn to respect him more, appreciate him more, and be able to show it to him. As I stated, my faith is unique and I believe that as long as my husband and I are together in this, we are doing nothing more than strengthening our bond as husband and wife.
As a child, living with a single mom, there were high expectations for me. I was expected to get nearly perfect grades, be in all sorts of clubs/sports/etc. These expectations were not applied to my sibling. In my teenage years, my mother got very ill. I was expected to take care of her, alone. When she got worse, I was blamed by my family, not her illness or their lack of their help, but that I must have done things to make her condition worse.
My mother was in the hospital or living with her parents a lot as well. During those times I had no discipline at all. No one cared when I came home, if I came home, what my grades were etc. I went from a strict lock down to nothing! I tried very hard to get their attention by being bad, okay a goody two shoes version of being bad. No one even noticed. So, I got worse, and nothing. However, every time my mother got worse, it was always my fault.
The lack of consistency and boundaries confused me and it has left me with the inability to make personal decisions. I can stare at a birthday card and not know if I should keep it or throw it away, because it may make someone upset that I threw it away. I have a hard time with boundaries that involve emotional decisions. I cannot make decisions on who I should or should not trust; I usually chose incorrectly. I don’t know how to speak up for myself. When I do, people say I have changed or that they fear that I may hurt them. If I don’t speak up then I become a door mat for everyone!
My illness causes the inability to remember or be able to decide how/when to complete projects, chores, items, etc. I can know something needs to be done, but I do not know how to start it, or if I have completed it, how to clean up/wrap it up properly. If things aren’t scheduled and followed up on, they get half done, lost, or not touched at all. This is a part of my life that bothers me so much. I believe that my word is all I have. If I make a promise, then I do everything I can to keep it. With my illness, that makes it nearly impossible.
I feel this lifestyle will help me make boundaries, following lists/schedules, know what is expected of me, and I won’t have to make any decisions on my own. I will have discipline, learn to be myself, be comfortable with who I really am. With help I will know who to trust and who not. I will learn how to overcome future guilt of hurting someone. I will learn to understand my wants/needs and how to express them properly. I will learn to love myself for who I am, instead of trying to be what everyone else expects me to be. My husband/Master knows me. He knows who I am deep inside, and it is my hope/want/need for him to bring that back out. That person has been lost along the way of my life. I hardly remember her.
I know that Master wants her back. I know that is who he fell in love with and that is who is really inside, she just needs encouragement to come back and to learn how to be in life again. This isn’t a journey about sex (however, it helps!). This is a journey about finding myself, my soul, my purpose, and my ability to love those who matter to me, as well as myself.
Why do I think this is the way to do it? When we played around with BDSM, I noticed the next day, I would feel different. The more often we played, the more I opened up, the more I realized that there was something to this. I noticed that my love of writing came back. I noticed that I felt freer and open to things. In the last month, my relationship with my youngest child has gotten better. He says he has more fun with me now. We definitely talk more and he feels more comfortable coming to me. My Master has seen changes in me as well.
Yes, there are questions Master and I will have to answer as we go along. Yes, there are some things that contradict between what I am accomplishing and the lifestyle. I understand that things aren’t going to be cut and dry. This journey with Master is the step we need to communicate with each other. We will finally feel comfortable talking about our wants/needs/morals etc. I feel this will bring us closer and together he and I will tackle the contradictions and how to tailor all of this to fit us. It’s going to be a long process, but I welcome it with open arms and hope/pray that this is the step needed to finally be myself and live a long happy life.
Thank you for your time and attention, Sir/Ma’am.
Sinfully Red
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